Trauma Lessons From Harry Potter

Last night, I had the opportunity to watch the Colorado Symphony perform the score from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets while the movie itself played behind them. It was a really fun night out with my sister-in-law, as we both love the Harry Potter series and also gained appreciation for the stunning John Williams score. As I reflect on the movie today, there is one line that continues to repeat in my head. At the end of Harry's confrontation with Lord Voldemort, Ginny Weasley is revived and Harry Potter's basilisk injury is healed. Harry looks up at Ginny and says "It's alright Ginny, It's over. It's just a memory." Harry and Ginny have just suffered immense traumas that included actual threat to their lives, and yet in this moment, the traumatic memory is consolidated. Harry recognizes that he is safe, and that the events will now only exist in a memory in his mind. The memory remains, but it has no power over him. 

In one line, Harry Potter summarized the goal of trauma therapy: successful recognition of one's safety. 

As many of us know, recognizing that you are safe after experiencing trauma is much easier said than done. Sure, you may have the cognitive realization that you are no longer in danger, but the nervous system often operates as if the trauma is ongoing. This sense of ongoing trauma manifests itself in the form of post-traumatic symptoms such as sleeplessness, panic attacks, flashbacks, irritability, fearfulness, or compulsive behavior. The goal of trauma therapy, then, is not only to know on a cognitive level that one is safe, but to develop coping skills around the post-traumatic symptoms so that the nervous system can start signaling that one is truly safe. 

Each individual heals from trauma differently. Some, like our friend Harry Potter, may integrate the traumatic story more quickly. However, others may continue to suffer from post-traumatic symptoms for months or years after the traumatic event. Where are you in your healing from trauma? Perhaps you have achieved complete healing and can say confidently, "This event happened to me and is part of my story, but it is now only a memory." Perhaps you are experiencing some of the symptoms I mentioned above. It's also possible that you fall somewhere in the middle. Some traumatized individuals may function at a high level, while frequently feeling blindsided by irritability, anxiety, or memories of the traumatic event. 

If you are considering whether or not you might pursue counseling for your trauma, I encourage you to think back on the event and try Harry's statement: "it's alright; it's over; it's just a memory." How does that sit with you? Are you able to believe yourself, visiting the memory from a distance, or do thoughts of the event trigger anxiety and fearfulness? If you responded with the latter, I want you to know that there is hope, and that you don't have to live a life haunted by your trauma. With counseling, you can begin the healing work of returning to a safe place not only in the world, but also within your own body. 

Self-Care in Survival Mode: For New Moms

I mentioned the concept of self-care to a new mother a few weeks ago, and she just started laughing at me. Her eyes, darkened by lack of sleep, seemed to shine as she laughed and I couldn't tell if she was going to start crying or laughing louder. Does this woman sound familiar to you? Perhaps you have met this woman before, or she may even be the woman who stares at you in the mirror every morning. In the early days of motherhood, it can be difficult to separate the concept of caring for yourself versus your baby. Comparison, the thief of joy, may also sneak into your thoughts as you begin to see other mothers to "have it together" or have babies with easier temperaments. Self-care must be for those moms. Or maybe, as you compare, you begin to think that self-care is something only selfish people do. Don't these other mothers recognize that they have a child to take care of? Perhaps that should be taking priority over the self. 

I've heard some people refer to the early days of motherhood as "survival mode." As long as you survive that first year of motherhood, you are thriving. But what if I told you that self-care is actually an integral part of that survival? In fact, developing a good self-care practice may actually lead to true thriving instead of the feigned, half-crying, half-laughing insistence that you are doing okay.

A Blow to your Expectations  

Before I became a mother, I would wake up every morning and have a two hour self-care ritual. I exercised for 30 minutes to an hour, cooked breakfast, made hot tea, and sat alone at the table while I enjoyed it. Pre-baby, this is how I would have defined self-care, because it was what nourished me best at the time. Becoming a mother required a shift in my expectations of what self-care would look like. There was absolutely no way this was going to happen after my baby was born (nor has it happened since), as my child seldom left my chest for the first several months of her life. The first step to creating a good self-care ritual postpartum is acknowledgement that self-care will not look the same. This may also involve a period of grief, where you take time to mourn the loss of self-care practices that worked well for you for so long. 

Creating New Rituals 

After you have taken time to grieve (and given yourself grace if this grief took longer than expected), one can begin to redefine self-care as it applies to postpartum life. Are there really ways that you can care for yourself in the first few weeks of motherhood? Yes! While self-care may not be a 2 hour morning routine, or an hour long run, or even a long evening out with girl friends, it is still possible to create meaningful rituals around self-care. Sometimes, self-care may look like mindfulness and self-compassion. As you nourish your baby, can you take time to notice the sensations in your body?  Or, can you practice having compassion for yourself in the middle of the night when you feel too tired to move and the baby is crying again? Can you remind yourself that you are still a good mother if you are wishing you did not have to wake up every 2-3 hours? In my early days of motherhood, I developed my self-care rituals around our nursing schedule. Before nursing, I would notice if I had any needs first. Did I need another pillow behind my back? Did I need to have food in front of me? By creating comfort for myself before nursing, I was able to nurse my child more joyfully instead of focusing on my back pain/hunger/etc. 

It's possible that these recommended rituals don't resonate with you at all, but I invite you to take time today to think about what might be nourishing for you instead. You know yourself and your needs best, and I encourage you to listen to them. 

Remember Why Self-Care Matters

It's very possible that you have read this and still do not believe self-care is necessary--that perhaps it is a luxury only afforded to some mothers. However, my hope is that all mothers will recognize how valuable self-care is, not only for your own mental health, but for your child as well! 

Do you remember hearing a flight attendant talk about putting an oxygen mask onto yourself before putting it on to your child? When I first heard this, I remember thinking that I would always put it on my child first. However, you can't care for your child if you are not breathing! The same concept applies regarding self-care. It is more difficult to give your child the best care he/she needs if you are not creating rituals that will help you thrive during the day. By taking time out of your day to care for yourself, you are setting yourself up for more success as an individual and as a parent. 

What are some ways that you can meaningfully take care of yourself during this new stage of life? If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed regarding the topic of self-care, it could be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend or a mental health professional who is trained in postpartum care. In this new and exhausting stage of life, you and your mental health do truly matter!