Self-Care in Survival Mode: For New Moms

I mentioned the concept of self-care to a new mother a few weeks ago, and she just started laughing at me. Her eyes, darkened by lack of sleep, seemed to shine as she laughed and I couldn't tell if she was going to start crying or laughing louder. Does this woman sound familiar to you? Perhaps you have met this woman before, or she may even be the woman who stares at you in the mirror every morning. In the early days of motherhood, it can be difficult to separate the concept of caring for yourself versus your baby. Comparison, the thief of joy, may also sneak into your thoughts as you begin to see other mothers to "have it together" or have babies with easier temperaments. Self-care must be for those moms. Or maybe, as you compare, you begin to think that self-care is something only selfish people do. Don't these other mothers recognize that they have a child to take care of? Perhaps that should be taking priority over the self. 

I've heard some people refer to the early days of motherhood as "survival mode." As long as you survive that first year of motherhood, you are thriving. But what if I told you that self-care is actually an integral part of that survival? In fact, developing a good self-care practice may actually lead to true thriving instead of the feigned, half-crying, half-laughing insistence that you are doing okay.

A Blow to your Expectations  

Before I became a mother, I would wake up every morning and have a two hour self-care ritual. I exercised for 30 minutes to an hour, cooked breakfast, made hot tea, and sat alone at the table while I enjoyed it. Pre-baby, this is how I would have defined self-care, because it was what nourished me best at the time. Becoming a mother required a shift in my expectations of what self-care would look like. There was absolutely no way this was going to happen after my baby was born (nor has it happened since), as my child seldom left my chest for the first several months of her life. The first step to creating a good self-care ritual postpartum is acknowledgement that self-care will not look the same. This may also involve a period of grief, where you take time to mourn the loss of self-care practices that worked well for you for so long. 

Creating New Rituals 

After you have taken time to grieve (and given yourself grace if this grief took longer than expected), one can begin to redefine self-care as it applies to postpartum life. Are there really ways that you can care for yourself in the first few weeks of motherhood? Yes! While self-care may not be a 2 hour morning routine, or an hour long run, or even a long evening out with girl friends, it is still possible to create meaningful rituals around self-care. Sometimes, self-care may look like mindfulness and self-compassion. As you nourish your baby, can you take time to notice the sensations in your body?  Or, can you practice having compassion for yourself in the middle of the night when you feel too tired to move and the baby is crying again? Can you remind yourself that you are still a good mother if you are wishing you did not have to wake up every 2-3 hours? In my early days of motherhood, I developed my self-care rituals around our nursing schedule. Before nursing, I would notice if I had any needs first. Did I need another pillow behind my back? Did I need to have food in front of me? By creating comfort for myself before nursing, I was able to nurse my child more joyfully instead of focusing on my back pain/hunger/etc. 

It's possible that these recommended rituals don't resonate with you at all, but I invite you to take time today to think about what might be nourishing for you instead. You know yourself and your needs best, and I encourage you to listen to them. 

Remember Why Self-Care Matters

It's very possible that you have read this and still do not believe self-care is necessary--that perhaps it is a luxury only afforded to some mothers. However, my hope is that all mothers will recognize how valuable self-care is, not only for your own mental health, but for your child as well! 

Do you remember hearing a flight attendant talk about putting an oxygen mask onto yourself before putting it on to your child? When I first heard this, I remember thinking that I would always put it on my child first. However, you can't care for your child if you are not breathing! The same concept applies regarding self-care. It is more difficult to give your child the best care he/she needs if you are not creating rituals that will help you thrive during the day. By taking time out of your day to care for yourself, you are setting yourself up for more success as an individual and as a parent. 

What are some ways that you can meaningfully take care of yourself during this new stage of life? If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed regarding the topic of self-care, it could be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend or a mental health professional who is trained in postpartum care. In this new and exhausting stage of life, you and your mental health do truly matter! 

Nun, Pastor, or Therapist?

A couple of months ago, I had a wonderful meeting with a local therapist. We chatted about our shared passions for maternal mental health and how we could support each other's practices when suddenly she said to me, "So your name is Christian and you went to Seminary. Can you help me understand why I should refer to you?" I'm fully aware that I went to Seminary and the connotations that come with my degree. However, I had never considered that even my given name could lead to confusion for those who consider counseling with me. For these reasons, I find it important to clarify what my training is, what my training isn't, and why I'm passionate about the work that I do. Below are answers to the questions I am most often asked.

So you went to a Seminary. Does that make you a pastor? Are you hopeful to be a nun one day?

Interestingly, this is the question I receive the most often. Yes, I am a graduate of Denver Seminary. I currently have no aspirations of being a pastor, nor do I have the credentials to do so. Also, my husband and daughter probably wouldn't appreciate me becoming a nun anytime soon! 

Ohhh so you're not a pastor. Then you must do pastoral counseling! Or maybe you do Biblical counseling? 

This is the second most frequent question I am asked. I do not practice pastoral counseling, nor am I a biblical therapist. 

So if you aren't any of those things, why did you decide to go to Seminary?

In 2012, I moved to Colorado from North Carolina to pursue a degree from Denver Seminary. After being a client to a fantastic therapist and Denver Seminary graduate while in college, I began to think it would be the best postgraduate choice for me. Denver Seminary is unique in that is one of the few seminaries with a CACREP accredited counseling program. CACREP stands for the Council of Accreditation for Counseling and Related Educational Programs, and ensures that counseling programs throughout the country meet national standards for education and professionalism. Participation in a CACREP accredited program in addition to adherence to state regulations ensures my competency for counseling licensure as well as national counselor certification. I chose Denver Seminary because, in addition to a seminary education, I wanted to make sure that I would be eligible for counseling licensure following graduation. 

What does this mean for me as a potential counseling client? How are you different from other therapists who participated in other programs?

This is a great question. My training is unique from other programs because it highly valued the integration of spirituality and psychology. I believe that in order to live fully whole lives, we must honor the ways in which our spirituality informs our mental health. Specifically, I received training that equipped me to integrate the Christian faith into the counseling setting. As a client, if you would like to have your Christian faith be a focus of our time together, I am happy to work from a biblically informed perspective. 

How are you different from a Biblical counselor?

Biblical counseling, sometimes called nouthetic counseling, bases the counseling process solely on the Bible and has a tendency to reject mainstream psychology. While I am happy to utilize Scripture in sessions with your permission, I also highly value the mental health profession and am likely to draw from various psychological principles and counseling techniques in sessions. 

Do you only work with Christians?

No, I work with individuals of all faith backgrounds. While I have some training specific to working with Christians, my CACREP education has prepared me to work competently with individuals of many different traditions in a way that is honoring to each individual experience. As a therapist, it is most important for me that clients feel comfortable expressing themselves in a way that makes them feel most comfortable. My hope is that my counseling space will always be a setting in which people feel freedom to be themselves, and that in that freedom, they ultimately find healing. 

Do you have more questions about my training or about the ways in which I may or may not integrate spirituality in sessions? Please do not hesitate to bring your curiosity into the counseling setting.